It’s like riding a ….
by Cetta on May 15th, 2012
I’m finally done with this semester and – two days in – find myself feeling like I should be doing something, you know? Weird.
How was your Mothers’ Day? Mine was nice. Visited my mom. CJ came over for a bit. And I got this:
Cute, right?
I love it. I hadn’t been on a bike in at least 12 years. I’d forgotten how fun it is. Mel and I have taken to riding around the block (a little more than a mile). Yesterday my knees were screaming. I may have to alternate biking and walking.
Mothers’ Day always makes me a little sad, a little contemplative. The months of May and June are awful reminders that I have a child who I haven’t seen in more than ten years. She will be 27 next month. 27! How can that be? How do I have a child that age? And how can this many years have gone by without so much as a word? It’s heartbreaking.
What else is new? Let’s see…
Last Friday I went to a class called “Learn to Meditate” with Kelly, who is so upbeat and refreshing… she is camping in the Grand Canyon this week. In a tent. Can you imagine? She is a warrior, but I digress. The class was very informative and relaxing. I’m definitely trying to incorporate a little meditation into my day. And I’m going to drop in on some yoga classes offered at the same place… might as well! I need more adult interaction, that’s for sure.
What else? I saw yet another dermatologist today who scoffed at my rheumatologist’s suggestion that he biopsy the rash on my legs. This one thinks it’s some sort of bacterial infection. More drugs, another prescription lotion, etc. The rheumy thinks the rash is Sjogren’s. Whatever. Last week I was supposed to have a lip biopsy to definitively diagnose the Sjogren’s (though I have the antibodies), but when I got to the clinic, they had no power. Now I get to wait until June for that. The rash (don’t you hate the word “rash”?) seems to be clearing up slowly anyway. And that’s about all I have to say about my health. Bleh.
How are things with you? Hopefully I’ll have more to write about now that the weather is warming up. I need to bust out my camera!
May day!
by Cetta on May 2nd, 2012
Ah, May! I have the windows open already and it is supposed to climb in to the 80s. This does not please me, of course, in that I don’t like it much above 72, but I like it better than the dead of winter. For now, I’m trying to focus on the smell of dewy grass and the sometimes-annoying chirping birds.
Spike loves birds.
May means school is almost out. That means more time with this child who has suddenly decided that I am the bane of her existence. SIGH. She’s pushing boundaries, which is normal – even good – for her. I could just do with a little less venom and hatefulness, you know? It kind of breaks my heart.I know it’s a phase, and I am trying my damndest to “handle” her differently than I did Cassie (because Melody is just so much like the sister she’s never met that it’s frightening), to be patient and explanatory and all but. Damn. There are times I just want to duct tape her mouth. I keep telling her that if she would just stop talking back, especially in that tone of hers, her life would be so easy and happy. I don’t know – I need to re-evaluate and come at it from a different angle.
Meanwhile.
Have I mentioned this rash? I know. “Rash” makes everyone cringe. Well. It started on my shins and I didn’t think too much of it. Then I got some spots on my thighs and my back. My primary care doctor told me to see this great new derm. I did. He had me lift the hem of my jeans, seeing only a portion of it and totally blew me off. “Dry Skin!” he proclaimed. 4 weeks later, my legs look like I have chicken pox. I’m feeling off. Dizzy spells. Non-Crohn’s-like stomach pain. Chills. I went back to my primary care and she totally pawned me off again. She has no idea – it was clear to me that she was just guessing. She went from saying I should go see my gastro to thinking it must be rheumatological (at this point I become George Costanza: “Lupus? Is it Lupus?” Then I hear Dr. House say “It’s never Lupus.”) She had blood drawn and sent me on may way. I think I need to find a new primary care, sadly, because although I like her, she never actually diagnoses me with anything – she sends me to other doctors.
So I called my rhuem ( who is MOVING in June, btw). He just called me back this morning. I was surprised to hear that it was actually him and not his nurse. He wants me to call a Cleveland Clinic dermatologist and tell them I need a same or next day appt. for a biopsy! Whoo! I guess I will be doing that today. And I will be seeing him (the rheum) in the next week, which is good because I wasn’t scheduled until just before he moved.
And that’s today’s medical crap-fest.
My classes are almost over as well. I’ll be glad to have the summer off. I’ll have enough stress trying to keep the evil princess occupied. Remember when going to library was fun? Remember when she loved going to the park or the lake? Sheeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa.
Cheap old gray hair, that’s me!
by Cetta on April 25th, 2012
If you have children under a certain age, I’m sure you’ve heard of Alexander and the Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Today, I am Alexander.
I felt fine this morning. I worked on Excel for a few hours (MAN. I hate those functions!), had some toast and poached eggs and… BAM. Headache. Nausea. Bleh. I should have just kept my butt at home, but I haven’t been to the grocery store in forever — so long, in fact, that I was walking around, looking at prices and muttering, “screw THAT!” or “as IF!” I mean, $5 for 6 stinkin’ Baby Bell cheeses? More on that later…
I got to the grocery store, figuring it might be a good thing to shop while nauseated. I mean, not even the stuff that usually tempts me would get to me today. Barely through produce, I had to head for the bathroom. I figured I’ll just get the bare necessities: BOGO chicken, BOGO pork, sale deli, whatever we needed that DIDN’T cost a buttload more than at the bargain stores. And so I did. That store? The one that starts with Giant and ends with Eagle? How in the hell do people shop there anymore? I mean, I used to! In the last several months, what with being at the W-Mart all the time for prescriptions, I’ve just been getting stuff there and the other stuff at the Valu King across the street. A new “Super” mart is supposed to be built soon, and I suppose I’ll compare prices between there and Valu King. I know, I know, W-Mart sucks and I’m sponsoring the non-union corporate bastards, etc. etc., but DUDE! $5 for this?
I don’t care how much healthier they are for the kid, I’ll give her the 2 boxes/$5 Cheez-Its!
Anyway, by the time I got out of that store (barely anything=$120) I was really starting to feel dizzy. I still had to hit the W-Mart for drugs, though, so I suffered through that — once again they did not have Melody’s prescription in stock — and headed home. By the time I got home I was drenched in a cold sweat. Blood pressure? Flu? Basic Crohn’s flare? Beats me. I just know I got everything put away and got myself into the shower. I feel better now, after sitting for about an hour. I’m supposed to do my walk/run, but I think I’d better wait on that and pick it up in the morning.
Hey — I actually jogged (or something like it) for two of the sections on Monday. Yay, me! I can’t imagine being able to jog all of them yet, though, so I guess I’m going to stick to week 1 until I get there. Meanwhile, I did book that meditation class for May 11th. I’m trying to take care of myself.
One more thing and then I’m done with the old-lady health-bitching-ness: these red bump things that the 2-minute dermatologist proclaimed to be “dry skin” have now spread …everywhere. It’s awful. They do not itch. They do not hurt. They look awful. AWFUL. I’m going to call a different doctor tomorrow. I’m so freaking worried that they’ll soon be on my face. EEK!
***
Melody had such a good time with Megan’s little sister, Alex, at the party that the two of them have hatched a plan to “camp out” in CJ & Megan’s empty upstairs. Now, I’m not sure this will actually come to pass, given her tendency to call me from sleep-overs to come get her. Strike 2 is the dog, who is a big ole puppy. He reminds me of Marmaduke. We decided a play-date was in order and headed over yesterday.
Melody stood outside for 15 minutes, looking in the windows and even smiling at us playing with the dog (who was leashed) but she was unable to come in. Finally, she made it in, but just at the door. Slowly, she made her way in and Tyson wore himself out and after an hour or so, we had this:
So. Maybe she’ll do OK over there. I don’t have high hopes.
Her anxiety — which has really been almost a non-issue the last month or so — has amped up in the last week. She’s back to checking expiration dates, having “stomach aches” and other various injuries, getting up at night, not wanting to go anywhwere, etc… I made note of it and figured I’d mention it at our next appointment. Then I started noticing scratches and scabs. She’s digging into her skin and drawing blood! The final straw was when she told me her palms were driving her crazy. She has dug matching holes into her palms. My child has the freaking stigmata, people! (No offense, Christian friends!) AND! And! Her soles of her feet are itchy now, too. Stigmata!
I called and spoke with her doc today and we’ve adjusted her dosage and will see what happens. This child will be the death of me.
What else? Have I bitched enough? OK. Thank you for allowing me to vent 
Weekend update
by Cetta on April 23rd, 2012
CJ & Megan had their housewarming party this weekend. I didn’t take enough pictures, but the house was crowded because it was cold outside. It was a nice party. The Putz and his mrs. walked right past me a few times without so much as a “hello.” Eh. I did get to talk to my favorite ex-brother-in-law for a while, so that was nice. And my cousins came and my aunt. It was chaotic, but nice. Megan has a big family.
Here’s the blanket I made for them. I didn’t measure it, but it is disproportionally long, since I made it to fit CJ As I told him, each row took an hour. So one of those blue stripes? 2 hours. 16+ skeins of yarn. It’s really big.
Close-up
Megan has a little sister, Alex, who is about 5 or 6. She and Melody got along really well at the party, all hopped up on brownies and M&Ms. Alex is sleeping at CJ’s next weekend and Melody wants to, too. Or so she says. First we need to take her over there and let her see that their dog (a big boxer puppy) will not maul her. Anyway. They were cute together.
They have picked the date of Friday the 13th (!), 2013. This is right between CJ’s birthday and mine. I asked CJ if he had anyone in mind for a best man (since CJ’s friends have always been girls) and he said, “Honestly, I haven’t even thought about it.” Meanwhile, it’s all that Megan IS thinking about, as would be expected. I told him he’d better get involved – it’s his wedding, too, after all!
It still all feels surreal to me, you know? He’s still my little boy!
Edited to add : can anyone out there tell me if anything written in this post can be seen as offensive to the bride-to-be? I wrote “the” instead of “that” in a sentence. I did not mean to call her “the Megan.” If anything, I was trying to express that CJ should take a bigger role and help her in the planning. I guess I should now expect the things I say to be ‘read into’ but I am what I am. I say what I mean. If I had anything negative to say, I wouldn’t say it here first. I don’t like being forced into a stereotypical role. I guess I should just not voice my opinion – but you know what? Not gonna happen. At least here, in my space, I’m going to say how I feel. And right now I feel pushed out, judged, and frankly, a little pissed off about that.
Ch-ch-ch-changes
by Cetta on April 20th, 2012
Melody stayed home today and ruined my W1D3 walk/jog. Since Dave and Cailey are home tomorrow morning (thought likely asleep, since Mel and I are the only ones who willingly get up around 7), I plan to do it then. I appreciate any and all advice! I need to find a good shoe store around here, I guess, since my sneakers are about 3 years old and from Payless… I’m also kicking around the idea of looking into the Y again. Because of the situation with Dave’s company, I’m loathe to commit to another monthly payment. We’ll see. Y’all should also know that I really, really hate the treadmill. I’m all wonky and off-balance walking on one. I can’t imagine running on one. In public.
***
Tomorrow CJ and Megan are having an open house. I am looking forward to it, to seeing my aunt and cousin, but a little wary about their father’s wife and his sisters. Eh. Whatever. As long as they don’t get drunk and want to fight. I’m not even kidding, his sister and wife HAVE physically fought each other before. I just don’t even want to deal with that mess. Anyway! Making pasta salad tonight and I have the gift I made all ready. Pictures after they receive it. And Melody is supposed to go to a sleepover birthday afterwards. Since this happens to be at the only house she’s ever actually made it through the night without having to call home for a ride, I’m hopeful.
***
I’m not sure how I feel about my hair.
I asked her to blend it in a little, since my dark roots looked weird, and she kind of gave me more yellow than I wanted. I realize that getting rid of the red I’ve been doing for so many years will take time – but yellow and red = orange! I don’t want orange! Next time I think I’ll ask her to use the new white/gray she was telling me about. You can see the gray now, though. Am I looking old? Should I go back? Eh. I figure I’ll stick it out for a while and then, if I really hate it, I can always dye it dark again. What’s interesting to me is just how dark my non-gray roots are. You can kinda tell in this one. The back is definitely dark.
I wrote all those words about my hair. Ugh.
There’s a meditation workshop I’m thinking of taking. And Yoga. I want to try to do Yoga again, even if it means my knees cracking and popping and embarrassing me.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me!
Running? Me?
by Cetta on April 18th, 2012
I’ve been thinking about doing the “Couch to 5K” program for a long time. Like, years. With the weather warming up, the iphone app, and the *ahem* upcoming wedding. I’ve decided to do it. I’ve done 2 days so far and know that I will definitely be repeating week one because I am SO out of shape that even jogging for 60 seconds is impossible. I’m walking fast, and even faster at the points where she says “Begin running” – though I do admit to saying, “nuh-uh” to that voice a few times today. I feel it in my shins, mostly, and today I feel it on the sides of my thighs.
I wish I had a treadmill, or access to one. We gave up the Y membership last summer when Melody was having her agoraphobia period, and we can’t really afford to sign up again… Anyway, our street is flat so walking outside is good for me, so far. I imagine when it gets hot, or when it’s raining, I’ll begin bitching.
Who would have thought, right? I know. I’ve just let my weight get so far out of control. I’m not trying to make this just a weight loss thing, because I really do want to get fit more than anything. All the meds I’m on, have been on, have really screwed with my metabolism. I’m hoping this will make me feel better, improve my self-esteem, and help me lose weight.
***
Melody is doing so amazingly well on this medicine, people. Out of the blue, she “decided” she could ride a bike. She rode the thing 2 or 3 times, with training wheels, last year and then gave it up. She was just too afraid to try. Now?
Now she’s complaining that I won’t let her ride down the street alone. We have no sidewalks, see, and idiots drive down this street way too fast. I told her if I walked with her she couldn’t take off, leaving me behind. She said, “Then you won’t come with me.” Oooo, she’s become such a mouthy little brat. Actually, I’d like to find the money to buy myself a bike and then we can ride together. We’ll see.
For now, she rides up and down the driveway and, if an adult is out, she can ride up and down the street with the other kids.
Growing pains?
by Cetta on April 12th, 2012
My last entry featured pictures of my youngest, and how “grown up” she is looking. Because there is such an age gap between Melody and her sibs, I am now usually caught up in the elementary school social scene, such as it is. Most of the moms are younger than me (though, thankfully, not all) and that’s OK. It’s OK because I mostly don’t FEEL so much older than them, you know? I mean, sure, physically I’m a train wreck. But in my head? I’m still that seventeen-year-old who loved long shirts emblazoned with Japanese characters, bangle bracelets (red, white, and black only), safety pins in my ears and saddle shoes on my feet.
And then, something happens to remind me that that girl is long gone. That her time, her prime time, is now mostly behind her.
Remember how my son bought a house with his girlfriend in January and I wrote about how surreal the whole thing is: this idea that my boy is a man? A man who can live with his girlfriend. My boy is no longer my boy, you know? He’s her man. And that’s OK. That’s good. But this also means that I am OLD. I mean, I am now of the generation in which I always picture my aunts and uncles and parents. They have moved up a generation, too.
It’s April now and I’ve had four months to get used to CJ living his life with Megan and all that and I’ve had time to come to terms with all the feelings I have. And now, now they have become officially engaged.
Engaged.
To be married.
To have a wedding.
I knew it was coming, and I have no objections whatsoever. I just wish they’d wait – but this is not my life. By the time I was his age, I had 3 kids! By those standards, he’s already ahead of the game. My problem? The wedding! It’s ridiculous to admit that the first thing I said was “Give me two years so I can lose weight!” Good GAWD. I don’t even know how to find a “mother of the groom” dress. I can’t remember the last time I WORE a dress. Or heels.
So. To sum up. My 9 year old is looking too much like a teenager and my baby boy is getting married. I have about 18 months (I think) to lose 50 pounds and find a dress that doesn’t make me look ridiculous and frumpy.
Now, I just beg the universe that they do not do something crazy like listen to the putz and get pregnant. (Yes, the putz – his father – is jealous of his sister who had two grandkids before she was 40. As if that’s something to brag about, right?) Don’t get me wrong: I cannot WAIT to have grandbabies. But I want my kids to WAIT. Get settled. Be on your way before you begin, you know?
In other words: do as I say, not as I did, dammit.
And quit making me feel old!
Growing up
by Cetta on April 9th, 2012
Hope you had a nice Easter!
April it is!
by Cetta on April 5th, 2012
It’s not easy to keep up with a blog when you are crabby and stressed and the hits keep coming. You know? Today, I am tired (as always). I’ve spent some time on my homework, and now I’ll share some pictures:
Between this shithead and his kidney problems and the other one and HIS allergy issues, we dropped damn near $500 at the vet this week. And lost a year or two of life when Pork Chop fell over in shock. Not from the bill, from his distemper shot. Luckily we were still there and they gave him some Benadryl and epinephrine.
Frickin dogs.
Yesterday was Dave’s birthday.
We went to dinner at a place on the river which was actually quite good. We’ll go back again, I’m sure.
She is now incapable of making a normal face in pictures. I told her she looks just like Gargamel these days.
What’s new? Apparently the doctors feel a “watch and wait” approach is the way we should go regarding the various enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen, which means I get to worry for another 5 months. SIGH. I need to seriously look into meditation or take up jogging (ha!) or something. They still have no real explanation for my wonky bloodwork. I did finally give in and see my PCP for the sinus infection from hell (antibiotics are doing their job on my sinuses and killing my gut). I showed/asked her about these weird little bumps I’m suddenly finding everywhere… I have this huge fear that I’ll get the kind of psoriasis that my father and uncle suffer from. It’s gross, nasty, painful…. and I just don’t WANT it. So I show her and she does what she ALWAYS does anymore: refers me to another specialist. I wish I could just have one goddamn doctor to handle all of my fricking issues.
Long story short: I’m seeing some new (male) dermatologist Monday. You may remember that I was, in fact, diagnosed with inverse psoriasis a few years ago, and then that derm retired. Cleveland Clinic has yet to replace him at the local clinic and the one who IS there doesn’t take new patients, hence my trip to the PCP about it. I wish this was a female doc, but I just need to know what’s going on with these things. They aren’t itchy – just little tiny bumps. On my hands, my back, my legs… it’s weird. They are prominent enough, though, that I suffered after trying to shave my legs. I’m thinking, “Here we are, getting into summer and I won’t be able to wear shorts! WAH!”
It’s always something with me, isn’t it? I’m so tired of my immune system and the shitty job it does. I’m tired of being tired. It sucks.
Not much else is new other than the mouthy little brat who has replaced my nice little girl. Oh. My. God. Her psych was like, “Well, her anti-anxiety meds are working. She is no longer fearful and doesn’t have to hold back with the people she’s more comfortable with.” Let me tell you: I could do with a little more “holding back” on her part. She has to have the last word on every friggin issue. Every one. And she lets nothing go. It’s just on and on and snarkier and snarkier until I say something crazy like “FINE! You can just STAY in your room FOREVER!”
And then she’ll say, “Fine! Great! I’m going! Big deal”
And then I wonder what in the hell I was thinking, having this child. And where’s the wine?
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd. How’re you?
24!
by Cetta on March 17th, 2012
It’s St. Patrick’s Day! You know what that means: it’s also Cailey’s birthday!
You’ve come a long way, baby!
